I never truly understood the phrase "be kind to yourself" or "look after yourself." On the surface, it seemed nonsensical. Who in their right mind would do harm to themselves? But then, after some self-reflection, I realized the truth behind the saying: we are often our own worst enemies. This was another cliché I did not understand until recently.
I began to listen to the way I talk to myself, that internal dialogue we conduct every day. I started to record my own words and was shocked by the level of self-loathing I discovered. It became clear that I was saying things to myself far worse than anything I would say to a stranger who cut me off in traffic.
This realization led me to understand the necessity of speaking positive words over our lives. We need to treat ourselves as we would a friend. Notice I didn't say "like a romantic partner," because even in those relationships, things can be said in the heat of the moment that are damning and violently negative.
Flipping the negativity in our internal dialogue is crucial, but it's only part of the journey. We also need to forgive ourselves if we want to rebuild our self-esteem. Sure, maybe you shouldn't have told your boss he was a talentless idiot, or asked your girlfriend to perform something in the bedroom that was over the line. We all make mistakes. We are allowed momentary lapses of reason.
Maybe you shouldn't have invested in your friend's dodgy business or dropped out of business school to pursue a six-month spiritual retreat in Nepal. But get over it. We humans are frail and fallible. We constantly make mistakes and misjudgments. When we make important decisions, we rarely have all the pertinent information. The future is never clear.
Marrying that stripper from Las Vegas was a decision made when you were both drunk and emotionally vulnerable after finding your ex-girlfriend in bed with your best friend. You need to forgive and forget. Stop calling yourself a useless idiot when you can't close that business deal or miss out on that promotion. Many times, life outcomes are due to factors beyond our control.
We often place too much weight on our own importance in the universe. Remember that luck plays a significant part in the success of many hyper-successful people. Even Warren Buffett admits he won the genetic lottery, being born in a country of immense wealth and opportunity. Had he been born in a small, remote town in Rwanda, it's unlikely he would have had the means or opportunity to become one of the richest men on the planet.
Living in a highly meritocratic society places immense pressure on people. In a world where an Austrian immigrant can become famous for lifting weights, then a Hollywood actor despite barely speaking English, marry a Kennedy, and then become governor of California, we heavily beat ourselves up when our lives do not measure up to high societal expectations.
In the old days, if you lived in a village famous for making whiskey, that took some pressure off. This was something you could fall back on in times of self-doubt. You didn't need to perform at the highest level every day. You could rest on your laurels and be content with being Kenny from the whiskey-making village.
Maybe we strive too much. We are surrounded by motivational quotes saying, "You can be whoever you want to be," "Reach for the stars," "Don't settle for anything less than the best." Perhaps we need to temper these expectations and be realistic about our own abilities. We will never play golf like Tiger Woods or split the atom, but maybe you can make a pretty darn good spaghetti bolognese and be a loving and attentive father.
Maybe we need to redefine success, not by what we see on Instagram, but by the things that make us happy and less miserable. A quiet, mediocre life is not the death sentence everyone makes it out to be. If we get off this treadmill of relentless striving, we can learn to be kinder to ourselves, and the healing of our self-esteem can begin.
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