All men need to discover who they are. It is possible to go through an entire life and never know who you truly are. Sounds absurd, right? How can you not know yourself? But trust me, many men walk this earth like they're in a foggy daydream, wondering if they left the stove on or if they really like football.
Men, unlike women, are wired differently. Women are introspective—they know their emotions like the back of their hand. They're verbal ninjas when it comes to expressing their needs and goals. Women can describe their dream man down to his eyebrow shape and the brand of deodorant he should use. They are analytical, understanding if they're anxious, avoidant, or secure in relationships. Meanwhile, men are like, "Feelings? What are those?"
Women are more interested in people; men, in things. Women want to understand how people work, while men are curious about how things work. Ever wonder why engineering is male-dominated and more than 80% of therapists are women? That’s why men often struggle with therapy and especially couples therapy. Men feel outgunned by their partners who can effortlessly discuss their feelings while they’re stuck on "I'm fine."
The Emotional Spectrum: Anger and... More Anger
Not all men are emotional stonewalls. Secure men, who had supportive childhoods, can express their emotions. They were allowed to throw tantrums in supermarkets and were taught that their feelings mattered. When they lost their favorite toy, their parents didn’t say, "Don’t be silly, it’s just a toy." Instead, they validated their feelings and looked for solutions. This approach teaches kids that emotions are important and should be expressed.
But what about those who weren’t so lucky? If your parents brushed off your emotions, you learned to fend for yourself. It’s like being kidnapped by pirates—you’re always on guard, seeing everyone as a potential threat. Life becomes a constant risk assessment. Meeting new people is a business transaction: "What’s the risk here, and what’s the potential upside?" These men, known as avoidants, swipe left on risky relationships and right if there’s a significant potential upside. They have no idea how to express their feelings beyond "fine," "tired," "hungry," or "angry."
The Avoidant vs. Anxious Dynamic
Anxious women, showering men with love and affection, often find themselves baffled by avoidant men. At first, avoidants might enjoy the attention, but soon they suspect ulterior motives. "Is she on drugs?" they wonder. To them, human interaction is a brutal, transactional exchange of value. Unconditional love is as foreign as a Martian on Earth.
For avoidant men, relationships can be distilled into a PowerPoint presentation. Feelings are the biggest risk in relationships because they don’t know how to handle them. But there’s a way to bridge this gap. If a woman approaches an avoidant man with a plan—"I understand the risks, but here’s how we can manage them. These are my expectations and here’s what you can expect from me"—it’s music to his ears. This clinical approach, oddly enough, is the most romantic thing you can say to an avoidant man. It speaks their language and opens the door to building emotional intimacy.
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