Men love to subscribe to the lone wolf principle - live alone, die alone. We love the idea of living alone in the woods, living off the fat of the land, hunting for our food, and building a cabin. We think this is the textbook definition of an alpha male. While there is nothing wrong with being able to survive in the wild and be resourceful, men are not biologically designed to live in isolation.
We are social beings. We need accountability because we are so distracted. Talk is cheap and execution is in short supply these days. We, humans, seem to be taking procrastination to new levels. We are so overwhelmed by all the distractions. I am not immune to these. While writing this blog, I am looking at new trucks I want to buy, checking on the price of Bitcoin, and checking the message my girlfriend sent me. This blog should have been written and published, but here I am still typing away. It is Sunday evening at 6.30 pm. If I had promised a friend that this blog will be published by 7 pm, the dynamic of procrastination gets turned on its head. Instead of fucking around with the myriad of distractions, I would be attacking this blog like a master. Accountability is powerful. It creates a bond between men - it creates responsibilities and generates action.
Here are 3 benefits of being part of a tribe. 1) It Kills Anxiety
What happens when you feel anxious? You feel small and passive. Your self-preservation instinct kicks in as you do everything to protect your vulnerability. The only way to get you out of this funk is through action, but this is where it gets a little tricky. Every bone in your body is telling you to retreat - you need to find a way to go against your instincts and your caveman's brain. In my experience, the best way is through accountability. You need to commit to action and ask a brother to hold you accountable for that action. The solution could be as simple as getting out of bed and going for a walk. Send him a Strava of your walk, do a video call with him while you are out on the walk - do whatever is necessary to force yourself into compliance with the action you have committed yourself to do. The first thing you will notice is that your anxiety will subside, and you will start to think clearly. Anxiety is all in your mind. It is that negative little voice inside your head saying you are a piece of shit and that you deserve bad things happening to you. The best form of action is getting out the front door - putting some physical space between yourself and the scene of the crime. That physical action will gag your inner devil, throw him in the trunk of the car, allow your inner god to jump over the seat and ride shotgun with you, and remind you of your sovereignty and mastery over your emotions.
2) It Helps us Battle Loneliness
Men are lonelier than ever, and there are many reasons for that. The first is the curse of working from home. Sure you can now work in your jocks, and fix the toilet while on a conference call (struth, you can even be on the toilet during your Monday morning meeting). Have we ever taken the time to think of the mental toll of working in isolation? Men are social creatures - we were not designed to jump from one Zoom call to the next. We are designed to hunt in groups. Working from home had made us more isolated than ever. The second factor is the increase in divorce. We all know how marriage and divorce play out for male friendships. Wives always control the social agenda - and the majority of social interaction is with their friends. When the marriage ruptures, husbands realize that most of their friends were the husbands of their ex-wife's friends - and these men are forced to have no contact with you.
Men do not maintain friendships as skillfully as women. Women need no reason to get together. Men need a reason, and our lone-wolf mentality leads us to increased loneliness. How do we respond to this? Do we go out and look for new friendships? Hell no, that would take us back to grade school when we would walk up the cool kid and ask if he wanted to be friends. What do men do the second after a romantic relationship ends - they look for new romantic relationships. After divorce, men jump on Tinder like dogs onto a piece of meat. We are terrified of being alone, and we interpret the need for company with the need to get laid and shack up with someone. We attach our loneliness to the wagon of new girlfriends who have spent a lifetime building lasting friendships. We build a new set of friends - again the husbands and boyfriends of the girlfriends of the new lover. This is a fucked up strategy because when that relationship does not work out we find ourselves in the same dilemma. So not only does our fear of loneliness force us into hasty relationships, it also postpones the inherent need we have of being part of a masculine tribe.
3) Keeps us out of Toxic Relationships
Men's inability to be alone means we are less than selective when looking for someone to fill the void left by a broken relationship. We would rather be in a relationship with someone (anyone) than be alone. Middle-aged men make the biggest fuck ups because they throw themselves into the tempestuous seas of single mothers. There is even a term for these women - MILFS - mothers I would like to fuck, and boy, can these mothers fuck. Most of them have won healthy settlements from their ex-husbands which gives them the luxury of hitting the gym in the morning and in the office of their plastic surgeons in the afternoon. The finished product is amazing. Although they know they are in good shape, they understand that with a couple of kids in tow, their sexual market value is waning, so what they lack in sexual market value they more than make up with sexual performance in the bedroom, and the kitchen, and the lounge - anywhere in the house and if you are lucky, also in public places. Men have trouble thinking clearly when in the throes of fantastic MILF sex. Their feelings of loneliness evaporate and they become oblivious to the red flags that are being waved in plain sight. He does not realize that this episode is temporary- single moms are experts in the exit strategy. As soon as she finds someone better than you (either with more money, bigger biceps, or more charm), the delivery of that Dear John letter will run you over like a freight train, and you will find yourself back at square one. Disney has done mankind a great disservice. It has told men that there is one special person out there that will complete their life, and like idiots, we spend our lives chasing a fake dream. What is the solution? Find a band of brothers that can ease these pangs of loneliness. They will not remove the loneliness altogether, but at the very least they will prevent you from being so desperate as to jump into a relationship that will later torment you.
For 99% of human existence, we lived in communities. These were groups of twenty to thirty people who lived together, worked together, and died together. Then we started living in apartments, condominiums, and suburbs. We started working with people with whom we did not share the same values. We started eating alone. In 1954, Swanson invented the TV dinner. Millions of lonely people set up their folding tables in front of their TVs. Urbanization and urban densification officially put an end to our tribal existence, and we are now paying the psychological price.
So what happens to life outside of this tightly knit community? The first thing that happens is that we become acutely aware of being lonely, and therefore become very concerned about finding that special something/someone that will complete our lives and make us eternally happy.
Our need for connection can morph into a strong desire for success, fame, and recognition when maybe all we need is some good friends. Million Man is a tribe – it is a place where we can regroup, lick our wounds, bitch and moan about the women in our lives, and then work on a collective plan to get ourselves out of this hole we are all in. The trick is to unteach ourselves from all the lies we have learned about being a man.
Million Man is built on 4 uncompromising foundations:
1) Kindness – high-value men are friendly, generous, and considerate.
2) Shared vulnerability – a tribe is a place where we can be open about our worries and anxieties, and the problems that throw us off balance.
3) Understanding – everyone has their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. We embrace and learn from our differences.
4) Reassurance - we believe that everyone (man, woman, and child) has a special superpower. We have the ability to give something to other people that these people crave, and that is reassurance. We are all haunted by doubts about our value. We are all concerned about the future. We are haunted by things we have done – they cause guilt and embarrassment. Everyone you meet, regardless of who they are, is being plagued by varying degrees of insecurity. Can you believe that even supermodels are insecure of their appearances? These people are desperately waiting for someone to say something to them. Million Man believes in the power of reassurance. Members need to hear they have a right to exist, and that we are on their side. Words like: “I think you are going to be fine”, “everyone goes through this”, “there is nothing to be ashamed of”.
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