In the 80s, Seinfeld was the epitome of comedic brilliance, capturing the mundane with hilarity. One episode stands out: George, a neurotic underachiever, laments his life’s failures to Jerry, a successful comedian, and Elaine, a witty and insightful friend. Elaine points out an attractive woman eyeing George. Skeptical, George insists that bald, jobless men living with their parents don't chat up attractive women in coffee shops. Jerry, ever the sage, suggests that if all George's instincts are wrong, doing the opposite should be right. George takes the advice, candidly introduces himself to the woman, and they hit it off. The lesson? Sometimes, our natural instincts in dating are our worst enemy. Here are six instincts men should fight against to find success in modern dating.
1. Being Accommodating
Women admire decisiveness. On a first date, choose the time and place without asking her to decide. Assertively order your drink without hesitation. Don’t ask, “Could I get a cappuccino?” Instead, say, “I’d like a cappuccino.” A question implies uncertainty, while a statement exudes confidence and control.
If you want to really take control, consider ordering for her. This might not work on a first date (since you don’t know her preferences), but as you get to know her likes and dislikes, you can take the lead in ordering for her. This shows attentiveness and a willingness to lead, both traits that are often appreciated.
Furthermore, make decisions quickly and firmly. When you’re at a restaurant, scan the menu briefly and make your choice. Don’t spend ages deliberating. This behavior extends beyond the date, too. Practice making swift, confident decisions in your everyday life. The more you practice, the more naturally it will come during your dates.
2. Sacrificing Your Independence
Many men fall into the trap of losing themselves in a new relationship. They meet a great girl and go all in, sacrificing their hobbies, friends, and even family time. This is a losing strategy for several reasons.
Firstly, it scares off the woman. She questions why a man would sacrifice so much for her, someone he barely knows. Instead of feeling flattered, she might think less of you. She could see you as someone with low self-esteem who clings to a woman for validation. This perceived neediness can be a significant turn-off.
Secondly, your hobbies, friends, and family are part of who you are. They define you and were likely aspects that attracted her to you in the first place. If you abandon them, you risk losing what made you appealing initially. Women want strong, independent men who have their own lives. Your passion for activities like fishing, golf, or endurance sports is attractive.
Thirdly, your friends and family love you unconditionally. Their support is crucial. A girlfriend’s love, especially early in a relationship, can be more conditional. If you abandon your support network for her and the relationship ends, you might find yourself alone. It’s essential to balance your romantic life with your personal life.
3. Hunting Mode
When men find a woman they desire, they often enter "hunting mode," focusing all their energy on her. This biological instinct to hunt can be counterproductive in dating.
We camouflage ourselves, presenting a version we think she wants to see. We get haircuts, wear our best clothes, and adjust our behavior to match her expectations. If she’s a vegan, we might pretend to dislike meat. If she appreciates chivalry, we make an extra effort to open doors. We tidy our apartments, hide our stash of porn, and maintain a facade. This act is exhausting and unsustainable.
Eventually, she will see through the deceit. Your true self will emerge, and if it’s vastly different from the persona you presented, it can lead to disappointment. Instead, be honest from the start. Show your true self, including your vulnerabilities.
However, honesty doesn’t mean oversharing or showing emotional weakness. Avoid lengthy stories about heartbreak and crying. Focus on your goals, passions, and intentions. Women are attracted to men with direction and determination. Share your aspirations and how you plan to achieve them. Keep these stories concise and engaging. Let her do most of the talking, especially on the first date, and inject humor into your interactions to keep things light and enjoyable.
4. Boasting About Achievements
Men are naturally competitive and often treat first dates like job interviews. They talk about their accomplishments, possessions, and travels. While men are interested in a woman’s past, women are more concerned about a man’s future.
Bragging about past achievements can come off as egotistical. Women want to hear about your future plans and how you intend to achieve them. Your past is essential as it shapes your future, but don’t dwell on it. Focus on your aspirations and how she might fit into your life journey.
Remember, the first date is an interview for her as well. You’re evaluating if she qualifies to be part of your future. Take your time to find the right partner. It might take interviewing 10, 20, or even 100 women. Be patient and selective; this is one of the most important decisions of your life.
5. Impatience
Men often feel a scarcity mentality in dating, partly fueled by online dating statistics. Dating apps reveal that men swipe right on 60% of women, while women swipe right on only 5% of men. This disparity leads to frustration and impatience.
Online dating can be disheartening, but it’s only one aspect of a broader strategy. Use it as part of a multi-faceted approach, including meeting people in real life. Rejection is a natural part of the process. Embrace it to build resilience and confidence. Treat dating as a marathon, not a sprint. It might take months or years to find the right partner.
Patience increases your confidence and decreases desperation, making you more attractive. Women sense confidence and are drawn to it. Stay patient and persistent, and your efforts will eventually pay off.
6. Overusing Your Phone
In modern dating, your phone can be your worst enemy. It leads to impulsive behaviors like constantly checking profiles and sending immediate responses. This eagerness can make you seem too available, lowering your perceived value.
Women are attracted to men with options. They don’t want a man who cheats, but they want a man who could cheat. Instant responses give the impression that she’s your only option, reducing your market value. This concept, known as pre-selection, is powerful.
Imagine an average-looking man walking into a bar alone versus with three gorgeous women. In the latter scenario, his attractiveness increases exponentially. Women want men who are desired by others.
To convey this, avoid over-texting. Delay your responses and maintain balanced communication. Let her miss you a bit. This creates an air of mystery and desirability.
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