You may have a controlling woman in your life. She could be your wife, girlfriend, or even your mother. These women can cause significant damage to families and relationships. The biggest mistake most men make in dealing with controlling women is to try and be their counterbalance by being laid back and easy-going. They incorrectly figure that the best way to deal with these women is to be the exact opposite of controlling. What these men don’t realize is that this actually makes the situation worse.
The first step is to understand why she is controlling. The act of controlling is not a feminine trait - it’s a masculine one. The need to control others does not come naturally for women, which means something happened in her life that required her to metaphorically strap on the trousers and act like a man. Maybe her father was weak and ineffectual, not providing her with the protection she needed as a child. Maybe her father was domineering and a tyrant, and no one ever feels safe under the rule of a tyrant. Or perhaps she had a perfectly normal upbringing, but now finds herself with a weak and ineffectual partner, forcing her to become the risk manager and protector of the family against outside threats.
Now that we understand this, it should be clear why the laid-back strategy does not work. The only way that a controlling woman can feel safe and allow herself to return to her feminine energy is if she feels safe and contained. Let’s say that a controlling woman, Kate, is dating easy-going and fun-loving Ken. Ken is spontaneous and lives on impulse. He plans an unexpected weekend away to hike the mountains because there are reports of the first snowfall of the season, and he wants to go check it out and potentially get some off-piste skiing done. He tells Kate that morning, and the first thing that comes to her mind is all the things that need to be done in order to get ready for the weekend. Her mind quickly fills with cortisol as she seeks to manage all the risks.
Ken tells her to relax; he will organize everything. But his easy-going approach, instead of making Kate less anxious, makes her more anxious because Ken is not addressing the issues that concern Kate. This is what Ken should have done: he should have taken the day off work on Friday, and physically taken the dog to the kennel. He should have personally checked all her gear, sent photos to Kate of what gear might be defective, and gone to the store to replace it. He should have also gone to the market to buy supplies, paying careful attention to the kinds of supplies Kate favors. He then should have downloaded the weather report for the next 72 hours and printed it out for Kate to review when she got back from work.
This, gentlemen, is how you deal with the controlling woman in your life - you need to understand the risks that are in the forefront of her mind and get in front of them. By doing so, you allow her to settle into her feminine energy and prevent her from losing her cool and doing everything herself that you overlooked.
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