In every relationship, the concept of "frame" is paramount. Frame can be understood as the world and influence in which the relationship exists. When a man starts dating a woman, an important question arises: does the man step into the woman's world, or does the woman step into the man's world? In simpler terms, who wears the pants in the relationship?
Understanding Frame in Relationships
Leading from this question is another: can the frame be shared? Is it possible to run a perfectly egalitarian operation where the frame is shared equally, with an ongoing arrangement of perfect compromise? Just imagine what is required to achieve this. It would be necessary to agree perfectly on all major decisions such as:
Where to live
How many kids to have
Where to go on vacation
What house to buy
What car to buy
How many cars to buy
How much to spend on groceries every month
The Impossibility of Perfect Egalitarianism
Achieving such a level of agreement on every significant decision is virtually impossible. Some might argue that compromise enables sharing the frame, but can you truly compromise on most major decisions? Sure, there are some decisions on which you can compromise—like how many people to invite to your wedding—but consider the major life decisions. If the man wants to live in London and the woman wants to live in Tokyo, will you compromise by finding some place in the Middle East? If the man wants one child and the woman wants no children, will you settle on half a child?
You quickly see how completely absurd this exercise becomes. Perfect democracy in a relationship is impossible. A relationship is like sailing a large ocean-going vessel, not like choosing the colors of the curtains in your bedroom. It requires one clear leader who can be entrusted to make the final decision.
The Need for a Clear Leader
This does not mean that the other person is not consulted in the decision-making process, but one person needs to have the final say. Otherwise, you will spend your entire relationship trying to maintain the delicate equilibrium to ensure that at all times there is a perfect 50/50 balance of power, leaving no time to actually enjoy and grow in the relationship.
In any relationship, it becomes quickly clear who is the leader and who is the follower. It is important for each person to settle into their roles and enjoy the journey. Recognizing and respecting this dynamic can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the concept of frame in relationships highlights the necessity of having one clear leader. While compromise is essential in any partnership, the idea of perfect egalitarianism is impractical. Embracing the natural roles within the relationship allows both partners to thrive and focus on building a strong, enduring bond.
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