Who in their right mind would be against self-help? It promises discipline, self-reliance, emotional maturity, and control. It teaches us that the solutions to our problems lie within ourselves, negating the need to rely on others. Recently, we’ve seen an explosion of self-help gurus advocating the principles of Stoicism, emphasizing control over one's self while disregarding the uncontrollable. According to them, this path leads to happiness and fulfillment, fostering independence which, on the surface, sounds fantastic.
This message especially resonates with those who have been hurt by others—a category that includes virtually everyone. Who hasn’t been let down by another human? Who hasn’t felt powerless when their needs weren’t met in personal relationships? This universal experience is why self-help has burgeoned into a multi-billion-dollar industry; it strikes a chord with almost everyone.
The Problem with Radical Self-Reliance
But here’s the paradox: while self-reliance and independence sound empowering, they run contrary to our very DNA. Human beings are inherently social creatures, not meant to live in isolation. Let’s focus on the role of the male species. Our primary role is to propagate the species—to have sex and spread our seed. This cannot be achieved in solitude or through impersonal, solitary activities. It requires a partner. From this fundamental role stems the need to provide and protect. One could argue that without someone to provide for and protect, a man loses a core aspect of his identity.
The essence of feeling powerful and fulfilled as a man is tied to being needed and valued by others. Men who experience suicidal thoughts often feel useless and of no value. Contrary to this, self-help gurus preach that you don't need validation from others—you only need to value yourself. They emphasize the importance of self-love, suggesting that you should be the center of your universe, thereby immunizing yourself from harm.
The Dark Side of Self-Help
I'm not suggesting that self-help gurus have a nefarious plan to deceive you into spending your hard-earned money. Most genuinely believe they are doing right and noble work—they too have been deeply hurt and believe in their teachings as a pathway to happiness and fulfillment. However, this perspective casts a long shadow. We live in a world where loneliness is becoming a pandemic, and self-help, instead of counteracting this, may inadvertently be promoting further isolation.
Self-help emphasizes self-love and independence, proposing that you can make yourself happy without needing others. Pick-up artists tell you to be cold and aloof, not needy, projecting an image of complete self-dependence. However, women typically want to feel contained and protected, desiring to rely on men for support. Men, in turn, want to provide and protect, as it makes us feel powerful and valued. We want to contribute to our communities, employ people in our businesses, and volunteer. It’s in our nature to help and provide.
The Path Forward: Reconnecting with Our True Nature
Self-help, while well-intentioned, might be steering us in the wrong direction. Independence should not equate to isolation. Fulfillment comes from interdependence, where mutual reliance and support foster deeper connections and stronger communities. Men should not feel ashamed of their desire to be needed and valued by others. Instead, this should be recognized as a strength, a crucial component of our identity.
In conclusion, while the principles of self-help can offer valuable tools for personal growth, they should not replace our inherent need for connection and community. True happiness and fulfillment arise from a balanced approach, where self-reliance coexists with meaningful relationships. As men, embracing our role to provide and protect, and acknowledging our need to be needed, can lead to a more powerful, fulfilling life.
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