How often do you hear the words, "He makes me so angry"? This phrase is fraught with danger because it implies that someone else has control over your emotions. It suggests that this person has taken residence inside your brain and is influencing the signals emanating from it. While the example of a driver cutting you off in traffic may lead to a brief surge in anger, the damage is usually temporary. The real problem arises when someone takes on a more permanent residency in your mind, dictating your mood and emotions. This makes you a victim, strips you of your agency, and turns you into a slave to that person's influence.
Now, let's consider what seems to be a far less nefarious situation. Instead of saying, "That person makes me so angry," let's flip it to, "That person makes me so happy." At first glance, this phrase appears positive, but in reality, it can be equally noxious. Here are three reasons you should never believe this phrase is true:
1. No Agency
When you say someone makes you happy, you are surrendering your sovereignty and outsourcing your happiness to a third party. This is a losing strategy because that third party has their own issues. They may be grappling with low self-esteem, questioning their purpose, or dealing with unhealed wounds from their past. Burdening them with the responsibility of your happiness is unfair and unsustainable. Over time, this expectation will weigh heavily on them, potentially leading to resentment and strain in the relationship.
2. No Contract
Outsourcing any aspect of your life typically requires a clear understanding or contract. Similarly, when you enter into a relationship expecting the other person to make you happy, you are entering into an unspoken outsourcing agreement. The problem is that the other person is almost always unaware of this implicit contract. Imagine telling your partner, "You make me so happy, and I want you to know that you are responsible for the majority of my happiness. Can you commit to this?" It's unlikely that many people would agree to such a demand, as it places an immense and unfair burden on them.
3. Not Sustainable
Much of the happiness in a new relationship comes from the novelty. You're discovering new things about each other, experiencing firsts together, and perhaps healing from past wounds. This new person sees you, acknowledges you, and affirms you, which can be a significant boost to your self-esteem. However, this initial surge of happiness is often temporary and will be eroded by familiarity and routine. As the relationship progresses, the things that once made you happy may begin to feel mundane, and the initial joy may evaporate.
The Path to True Happiness
So, what is the solution to this dilemma? The key lies in finding happiness within yourself. This requires spending time alone and learning to find joy in your own company. The moment you can truly say you are ready for a relationship is when you are comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of your life. This realization does not mean you will be alone forever, but it signifies that you have reached a level of self-contentment and emotional independence.
Steps to Cultivate Self-Happiness
Self-Reflection: Spend time understanding your values, interests, and passions. Journaling, meditation, and self-assessment tools can be incredibly helpful in this process.
Pursue Personal Goals: Focus on achieving goals that are meaningful to you. Whether it's advancing in your career, picking up a new hobby, or improving your fitness, personal accomplishments can significantly boost your self-esteem and happiness.
Build a Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who encourage your independence. These relationships should complement your life, not define it.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Regular exercise, healthy eating, sufficient sleep, and engaging in activities you love are essential components of self-care.
Embrace Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own company. Spend time alone doing activities you love, whether it's reading, hiking, cooking, or simply relaxing. This helps you become comfortable with yourself and less reliant on others for your happiness.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your emotions. This includes recognizing triggers, practicing mindfulness, and developing healthy coping mechanisms.
The Benefits of Self-Happiness
Emotional Independence: When you are responsible for your own happiness, you become emotionally independent. This means you are less affected by external circumstances and more resilient in the face of challenges.
Healthier Relationships: Relationships built on mutual respect and independence are healthier and more fulfilling. When both partners are responsible for their own happiness, they can support each other without the pressure of fulfilling each other's emotional needs.
Greater Self-Confidence: Knowing that you can make yourself happy boosts your self-confidence. This self-assuredness can positively impact all areas of your life, from your career to your personal relationships.
Reduced Stress: Relying on others for your happiness can be stressful and anxiety-inducing. By taking control of your own happiness, you reduce this stress and cultivate a more peaceful and content state of mind.
In conclusion, while it's natural to feel happy or angry because of someone else's actions, it's crucial to recognize that true happiness comes from within. By taking responsibility for your own emotions and learning to find joy in your own company, you can achieve a level of emotional independence that leads to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life. Embrace your sovereignty, and remember that happiness is an inside job.
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