Between 2006 and 2018, Mexican beer brand Dos Equis introduced us to the Most Interesting Man in the World. It ran a bunch of ads featuring a bearded, debonair older gentleman saying interesting and outrageous things. My favorite: "Once a rattlesnake bit me, after five days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died."
High-value men are interesting, and if you ask any woman, they will tell you that interesting is sexy. What does it mean to be interesting? Interesting people tell incredible stories and lead unusual lives. The source of their magnetism is their curiosity. They are always excited to explore the world, and this curious energy radiates outward.
So where do you start? The first step to becoming interesting is exploring the history of the world we live in. So, buckle up, because I am going to take you on a crash course in everything you need to know (in my opinion) about what has happened in the world. This is going to be a mega summary. I am going to exclude plenty of stuff. I am going to try and condense trillions of pages of information into a few thousand words. I have broken this into chapters. This is the first chapter
Chapter 1: How it All Began
The world is divided on the genesis of existence. On the left, we have the Creationists: Christians, Muslims, and Hindus. They believe the universe, earth, life, and humans were created by divine intervention. Most creationists with at least half a brain cell know the universe was NOT created in 6 calendar days – they understand this is symbolic, and each day could represent thousands, millions (or even billions of years). On the right, we have the Big Bangers. The major difference between the two is that creationists believe that God was the guiding hand in this process while the Bangers believe it is science. So, let’s go back to the very beginning.
Almost 14 billion years ago, the universe began as a tiny, dense, fireball that exploded. Nine billion years later, the earth formed when gravity pulled in swirling gas and dust. At first, it was just a massive cloud of hot shit – similar to what comes out of a politician’s mouth. Over time, the gravity at the center of the cloud became so intense that all the shit started fusing into clusters that grew large enough to maintain their own gravitational pull. It was hotter than hell. If you lean over the top edge of an active volcano, you find smoldering magma. This is what earth looked like - and we are still billions of years away from the invention of an ice-cold beer!
Over a few hundred million years, the temperature started to drop and oceans of liquid formed. Life began in the oceans with microorganisms. These little fuckers mutated into weird-looking fish-like creatures. Then one day, an odd-looking critter resembling the hybrid of fish and a croc, fed up with a diet of sushi, decided to walk out of the water onto the land. It, however, needed to adapt to life on land. Although it could see further on land than in water, it had to ditch the fins and create limbs, and it had to seal up its gills and develop lung capacity.
These weird amphibious animals then evolved into dinosaurs and the Jurassic period began (named after the film!) All this dinosaur action took place about 240 million years ago. Dinosaurs roamed the earth for 160 million years terrorizing women, children, and smaller mammals. So, what happened to these scaly reptilian/amphibian creatures? Did they start smoking pot, get addicted to porn, and forget how to hunt? Or did something more nefarious happen?
The most common explanation (because it makes for a great Hollywood movie), is that the earth was struck by a massive asteroid (possibly somewhere in Mexico), at 64,000 km/h and released 2 million times the energy of a standard atomic bomb. This nuked the surface of the earth, ignited wildfires, and plunged the world into darkness as shit filled the atmosphere and blocked the sun. Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions set off tsunamis that drowned the dinosaurs – not yet skilled in the techniques of swimming and big wave surfing.
The bird dinosaurs, however, deftly avoided the monster waves and survived. Rats and other furry vermin also miraculously side-stepped the apocalypse. With time, these rats grew to raccoon size, and then dog size. The plant world thrived and the earth was dominated by evolving mammals. This was 66 million years ago, and if you looked at the earth from space, you would have been able to make out the shape of the major continents – unless you are American which means geography does not come naturally.
India crashed against Asia forming Mount Everest. Africa crashed against Europe and formed the Alps. Donald Trump slipped on his fat ass and formed the Rocky Mountains. The weather was warmer and more stable than today because most of the earth was covered in dense tropical forests like the Amazon. The vegans rejoiced. Fish also thrived. This is where the evolution of the species kicked into top gear as crazy new animals resembling mutant dogs/hyenas, monkeys, hippos, and elephants filled the fertile forests.
Marine life also prospered, the scariest being the 35-ton shark-like beast that terrorized surfers and creatures of the murky depths. Then the mercury started to decline. No one really knows why this happened. There were five major ice ages and there were five Ice Age movies – what a coincidence. During an ice age, it gets cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Animals and plants adapt to new conditions or die. This is survival of the most adaptable (and easiest access to Gore-Tex), not the fittest.
The question that most people must now be asking is when the first humans rocked up. There was no event, but we evolved from the chimps. The first indication of the existence of a homo was in Ethiopia around 2.8 million years ago. The first evidence of a homo erectus (a fully erect homo) was around 2 million years ago. The earliest life focused on the need to eat, drink and have wild unprotected sex. At first, we were hunters. Running around chasing animals, however, can be fucking tiring, so we started to settle in farming communities and grow stuff. Hunting did not cease – men still had to get away from the nagging wife and what better excuse than a regular hunting possie.
As humans got better at generating and storing food, communities grew into towns and then into cities. With this, the double-door fridge/freezer combo was invented. We also had more free time, which enabled us to focus on beliefs because the fear of being attacked by a saber-toothed tiger subsided. We saw the introduction of religions such as Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, and much later Christianity and Islam to try and explain why the fuck we existed.
Many people believe there was one single cradle of civilization but that is a load of bollocks. There was no single "cradle" of civilization; instead, several cradles of civilization developed independently. Mesopotamia (famous for the Tigris–Euphrates River), Ancient Egypt (famous for pyramids, pharaohs, mummies, and tombs), Ancient India (famous for Buddhism and Hinduism), Ancient China (famous for papermaking, printing, gunpowder, and the compass) and Mesoamerica (modern-day Mexico – famous for position-value number system with zero and the calendar) are believed to be the earliest.
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