What is the single best predictor of longevity in humans? Is it diet, exercise, sleep, or something less obvious? If you want to die early, the best thing to do is to be isolated, living alone with minimal human connections. There’s a reason solitary confinement is considered torture—lack of connection profoundly impacts brain activity, accelerating dementia and Alzheimer’s, and once the brain starts to decay, the body soon follows.
But never fear! We live in the age of the internet and smartphones. With a swipe of a finger, we can video call an old school friend in Mongolia, match with women on dating apps, or create family group chats. The connection possibilities are endless. Yet, how is it possible that we all feel so alone?
A recent study showed that half of all men between 18 and 30 are no longer seeking committed relationships. Many women are postponing or even canceling plans to start a family in favor of careers. This isn’t good for the world’s physical and mental health. So, what do we do? Go out and make connections. Meet people. Forge relationships.
Making Friends: Easier Said Than Done
Now, this is where things get tricky, especially for middle-aged men. As a middle-aged man, I can speak from experience: men aren’t great at maintaining friendships. When we get into relationships, we quickly discover that our female partners excel at this. They hang out with their girlfriends, and sometimes they want us to join, forming a convenient social circle. Being pragmatic, we make friends with the boyfriends and husbands of our partner's girlfriends. This works great—until it doesn't.
With a divorce rate of 50%, relationships are becoming more disposable. Online dating apps make it easier to start new relationships, so when things get rocky, there's less incentive to fix them unless she's really a catch. When relationships fail, men find themselves in a predicament: their friendships are tied to their ex-partners' social circles. Inevitably, these friends take sides, and nine times out of ten, they won’t side with you to keep their partners happy, leaving you friendless.
This makes it crucial to make your own friends outside your partner's circle. But this isn't easy either. By your forties or fifties, most men have established their tribes and aren't looking for more. It feels like the enrollment window has closed, and you're on the outside. But all is not lost.
Finding New Friends: The Silver Lining
As people become more mobile, moving from city to city, it’s easier to be nomadic, and there are more middle-aged men like me looking for connections. Joining a sports club, volunteering at a charity (where most volunteers are women, be warned), or joining a church are all viable options. For men in their 20s, building your network and friendships is crucial—something I wish I’d paid more attention to when I was younger.
One of the biggest mistakes I see men making is ignoring their friends when they get into romantic relationships. When a woman falls for you, she falls for the independent, self-sufficient man with interests and hobbies outside the relationship. If you abandon these things, it raises red flags. She wonders why you're willing to flip-flop on your friends and hobbies, putting all your hopes and expectations on her—an enormous pressure she's likely not up for.
Navigating the Minefield of Romantic Connections
Our default method of finding a romantic partner is online, but the game is rigged against men. There are three men for every one woman on dating sites. Women swipe right on about 5% of profiles, while men swipe on 60%. If there are 300 men on a site and only 100 women, 60 women will get liked, but only 15 men will. This leaves 285 men with no love versus 40 women.
Online dating offers women a very sterile, one-dimensional view of men, missing out on charisma, charm, physical presence, and body language. Most men aren’t photogenic and take terrible photos, so online dating only shows a fraction of the real you. Unless you're exceptionally good-looking, you won't attract the attention you deserve.
Meeting Women in Person: The Balancing Act
Meeting women in person is fraught with pitfalls. The #MeToo movement has made great strides in protecting women from unwanted advances, but it has also made good men think twice. More than 90% of women want men to make the first move, but the waters have been muddied.
However, if you approach women in an open, amicable, and non-creepy fashion, you may be surprised at the positive results. Awareness of these issues and sensitivity to women's vulnerabilities can lead to meaningful connections.
The Bottom Line
Building and maintaining friendships is crucial for longevity and well-being. Whether you're navigating middle age or your twenties, the effort to forge connections outside of romantic relationships can lead to a more fulfilling and longer life. So, go out, meet people, and remember: the key to living longer might just be a good laugh with a friend.
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