The dating marketplace has never been more challenging for men. I heard the story of a young man who worked as a bomb disposal expert. He is the guy in the movies sweating bullets working out whether to cut the blue or the red wire. It is difficult to find a more dangerous job - it makes working on a deep sea oil rig look like a walk in the park. This man was terrified of approaching women. It was a fear that rendered him immobile. For me, this is a deafening cry for help from our fellow men and an indication that men are facing a dating crisis. In this blog, we look at three of the biggest male challenges in the dating marketplace, and how to overcome them.
Challenge 1: Fear of Rejection
It is our lack of confidence and fear of rejection that affects the way we approach women. It can be in the form of going up to a woman in the grocery store, or the first offline date after matching on a dating app. We believe that appearance is all important, and we feel that if we are not endowed with a chiseled jawline, are not tall and athletic, and are not charismatic, we are going to be rejected. This affects the first impression we leave on a woman, it affects our tone of voice, posture, and body language, and forces them off on the wrong foot.
Solution 1: Numb the Fear
In the words of Pink Floyd, we need to become comfortably numb to our fear of rejection, and the only way is to get rejected a bunch of times. The first rejection is painful, the second a lot less - and by the time we get to the fifth or sixth, we should find ourselves in an “I don't give a fuck anymore” state of mind. We are taking a foul-tasting medicine and this is helping us turn the volume down on our approach anxiety. Let me clue you in on something - life and rejection go hand in hand. Your friends, colleagues, girlfriends, wives, and acquaintances are going to let you down all the time. The quicker you come to terms with the fact that rejection is more the rule than the exception, the happier your life will be. It is also important you learn from the rejection. This exercise of rejection numbing is also an opportunity to hone your skills. Remember that the objective is not to get rejected. The objective is to get the woman's number and a follow-up encounter - the rejection comes as a byproduct because not everyone you meet will see you are being part of their immediate plans. After every rejection, you need to analyze your approach and make small tweaks as you work towards a more complete and rounded product.
Challenge 2: Lack of Conversation Skills
Our conversation strategy ties back into our inherent fear of rejection. When speaking to women, we tend to adopt a defensive approach. We are playing not to lose instead of playing to win. We irrationally believe this encounter is our best, and potentially only shot, and we have to make it work at all costs. Men who are successful with women play to win - they take the risk. They will ask edgy and potentially controversial questions and they have no fear of losing because they know rejection is often not a reflection on them. They know that if they get rejected, it does not mean that they are objectively undesirable - they understand that at the time of rejection, you did not fit into their immediate plans. The rejection was because of her situation and not yours.
Men who adopt a defensive strategy tend to make similar generic statements which is a losing strategy for two reasons - firstly women can see they are generic and unoriginal, and secondly, men are not projecting their true selves and women can sense that too.
Solution 2: Make an Impact
When talking to a woman for the first time, you need to be impactful and work hard at making a connection. You need to read her communication cues and develop a strategy that will optimize the chances of building attraction. You have five to ten minutes to make this connection, so you are under a little pressure because if you don't maximize that window, she could lose interest and it may be impossible to bring her back.
You also need to work on your "interesting". High-value men are interesting, and if you ask any woman, they will tell you that interesting is sexy. What does it mean to be interesting? Interesting people tell incredible stories and lead unusual lives. The source of their magnetism is their curiosity. They are always excited to explore the world, and this curious energy radiates outward. This will give you an edge in the conversation game.
Challenge 3: No Escalation
Most of us do not escalate and build on the date. On every date, we need to engage in playful teasing, flirting, and building sexual tension. There is a risk of keeping the conversation platonic - it creates some confusion in her. It leaves her with doubts as to whether or not we like her. It is not a good idea to be playing poker on this first date and keeping our cards close to our chests -we need to give her a glimpse of at least one of our cards because that will keep her interested in seeing our hand and strategy. We need to get both her emotional and mental attention. Successful flirting speaks to her primal side, a side that most men do not know about and make no effort to understand.
Solution 3: Tricks to Building Sexual Tension
We need to understand the questions that women are asking themselves when they first come into contact with us on a date: are we high value, do we have other options and are we good in bed? We need to drop clues that will enable her to reach her own conclusions, but we need to be careful how we drop those clues. Telling her that we have millions in the bank, have fucked 100 women, and have a large cock is not going to work for her, because it is not how women build attraction. Fifty Shades of Grey has sold more copies than Ernest Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea. It is adult erotica written specifically for women. It is not sex from start to end - it builds up slowly and powerfully. It is subtle, complex, intriguing, and arousing. That is what you need to know in building this sexual tension.
But you need to be smart about this. It is like a game of chess. You make a small move and see how she reacts. If she leaves the door open, then take the opening. If you say, not many people know this about me, but I have Scottish ancestry and own a kilt. If she says that she loves a man in a kilt, you can take the opening and say, do you know that real Scotsmen don't wear anything under the kilt? If she replies, oh really, how about you? - then you are making progress and you can now start to move for her queen. If she doesn't pick up on the cue, no problem, you need to make another move. It might take three or four moves before you find an opening, but you need to keep looking. If after ten attempts nothing is sticking, you may need to cut your losses and move on to the next one, and yes, women are like London busses, when one pulls away, another will pull up in a few minutes!
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