One of the most important decisions you make in your life is your choice of a romantic partner because she will shape who you are. Choose wisely, and your life will be great. Choose unwisely, and you are opening your life to a heap of complications that could easily have been avoided.
The great German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said that you are the sum of the five people with whom you spend the most time. One person that will make up a disproportionate part of these five people will be your wife or girlfriend. If you choose a woman who is a narcissistic manipulator, these small traits will start to rub off on you. But more importantly, she will make your life a living hell in the process. Even though you may extricate yourself from her clutches in the event of divorce, if you have kids with her, she will always be part of your life. So you want to choose wisely, and these are the traits you are looking for:
Independent She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet. She must be self-sufficient and happy to exist on her own. She must not need you emotionally or financially. She needs to be her own person, with her own goals, passions, and motivations. You do not want to become her life, her everything. You do not want her to attach herself to you and cleave to you. This does not mean that when you are together, she needs to fend for herself. Your role is to protect and contain her and make her feel safe. She is vulnerable, and it is your job to reduce that vulnerability. But when you meet, she must have a life already - a career, a path, and objectives. You are not the SPCA, and she is not some homeless kitten that needs to be rescued. Again, this does not mean she is invulnerable; it only means that she is a woman of substance, character, and independence.
Connection There needs to be a connection - emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. The emotional connection deals with attachment style - is she secure, anxious, or avoidant? The easiest person to connect with is someone who is secure. This links back to the first point of independence. You need to connect intellectually - be able to have engaging and challenging conversations. There is only so much sex a person can have, and while you are not being hot and heavy, you need to talk. There obviously needs to be sparks of attraction, which hopefully will grow into a towering inferno of passion. Be aware that the first sexual encounter does not necessarily set the tone for the entire relationship. Most people are sapiosexual, which means the sex improves as you get to know your partner better. But if you meet a woman and from the beginning, you cannot think of any circumstances under which you would like to see her naked, then maybe she is not the one for you. Finally, there needs to be a spiritual connection - which is a connection of values. You must see eye to eye on topics such as honesty, fidelity, kindness, generosity, and family values. If she has little regard for honesty and for you, it is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, then maybe she is not for you.
Financial Responsibility You need to pay very close attention to how she is with money. If she is a saver/investor and does not spend excessively on unnecessary stuff like handbags and shoes, then she is a keeper. Financial issues have destroyed many marriages. My father's best friend has a wife who is a compulsive gambler, and that is a constant source of pressure on the marriage. The only way compulsive spending can work in a relationship is if either you are a billionaire and are happy for your wife to run wild with your credit card, or if you are both super successful and her spending is well within her means. Compulsive spending is dangerous when it takes the partnership into excessive levels of debt, and you end up living month to month by paying one credit card off with another one. The worst pairing is if you are a saver and she is a spender. That is a combination that will increase the likelihood of you ending up in divorce court and should be avoided at all costs.
Good Relationships Many men assume that if she has lots of friends, that is a good sign in and of itself. You need to observe how she conducts herself with these friends. Is there always tension in the group, and is your girl always at the center of this tension? Does she often badmouth friends in the group? How does she speak to her parents and siblings? Is she estranged from her mother, and does she only speak to her father on Christmas? These are all red flags because it means she is conflicted, and you are entering into a constant hurricane. This is not to say there should not be any friction in the relationship. Disagreements are good - healthy differences help to cement the relationship because they enable you to better get to know the other person. But constant drama will do nothing but wear you down and make you rue the day you ever set eyes on her. Women love drama - but it should exist in healthy moderation and should not engulf the relationship; it should be nothing more than a sideshow.
No Belittlement Does your girl talk down to you? Does she minimize you and make you feel bad about yourself? These are obvious red flags, but it needs to be understood that men tend to be oblivious to or overlook red flags for the simple reason that women are gatekeepers of sex. They hold the keys to the magic kingdom that every man so desperately wants to get into. Women know this, and therefore they like to test our boundaries to see if we are worthy of entering. They may belittle us as part of this game, or they may just be plain nasty. Regardless of why they do this, you need to set boundaries and quickly establish that this behavior is unacceptable. If it persists, then you need to look for the exits.
Not Rude to the Help A Silicon Valley technology company asks job applicants for their Uber rating. This number says a great deal about you as a person - how you treat strangers, and specifically strangers that are providing a service to you, which to some people is seen as being below them. Pay careful attention to how your girl talks to the waiter at a restaurant, the cleaning staff at a hotel, the person at the checkout in a store. If she is rude, demeaning, condescending, or in any way unpleasant, she is more than likely also rude to you, so this point and the previous go hand in hand. This shows arrogance and conceit. She feels superior and entitled. She feels that the world owes her something. Being in a relationship with her is not going to be a picnic.
Conclusion
Choosing the right partner is a foundational aspect of a fulfilling life. Look for independence, deep connections, financial responsibility, healthy relationships, respect, and kindness. These traits will guide you toward a partner who enhances your life rather than complicates it.
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